Thoughts from the Middle of Nowhere

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration recently sponsored a study about what were peoples final words when they were in a SUV crash. I know, weird thing to study but you know the government. They found something very interesting in this study. Throughout the US, with the exception of Montana, the last thing people said before their SUV crashed was "OH SHIT!!!" In Montana though, it was a little different. The last thing in Montana before a SUV crash was "Hey, hand me another beer."

I recently heard this joke and this post about beer consumption reminded me of it. In a way the joke is way to true to be really funny. The amount of drinking that goes on in Montana is truly staggering.

Montanans, on average, each guzzle down 41 gallons of beer per year, or a little more than one 12-ounce can of beer per day.

I will guarantee you, someone is drinking a whole lot of beer to make up for what My Darling Wife and I don't drink. I might, I repeat might, drink 10 glasses of beer all year long and My Darling Wife doesn't drink any. Why is it that Montana has such a high alcohol consumption? We live in "The Last Best Place" and it shouldn't be necessary to drink until we can't see straight any more. I will admit at one time I did drink a lot more and I am sure glad I quit. I feel better and healthier now that I don't.

I guess this is just one of those things I will never understand. The need for Montanans to drink and get drunk to think they are having a good time. the real funny thing about this then is when people do get together for any reason, the stories are always about drinking and who got drunk when. You explain it to me, It's a cultural issue that I have broke past luckily.

If you want to change the culture, you will have to start by changing the organization. Mary Douglas

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and tell it to the class the next day. When the time came to
present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on,
walked up to the front of the class with a piece of chalk, made a small
white dot on the blackboard, and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a period", he replied.

"I can see that", said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a
period?"

"Darned if I know" he said, "but this morning my sister was missing
one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door
joined the Navy."

I found this over at The Center for Consumer Freedom and couldn't resist.

I received this from a friend via e-mail and couldn't resist posting it.

Jeff Foxworthy's comments on Montana:


1. If "vacation" to you means going shopping for the weekend in Great Falls, Billings or Bozeman (while the kids swim at the Comfort Inn).........You might live in Montana.

2. If parking your car for the night involves an extension cord........You might live in Montana

3. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 8 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by..........You might live in Montana.

4. If you're proud that your state makes the national news primarily because it houses the coldest spot in the nation.......You might live in Montana.

5. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't even work there.......You might live in Montana.

6. If your husband's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead......You might live in Montana.

7. If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time..........You might live in Montana.

8. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches........You might live in Montana.

9. If you know how to correctly pronounce Butte..............You might live in Montana.

10. If you measure distance in hours...............You might live in Montana.

11. If your family vehicle is a crew cab pickup...............You might live in Montana.

12. If you often switch from "heat" to "A/C" and back again in the same day........You might live in Montana.

13. If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.....You might live in Montana.

14. If you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events...........You might live in Montana.

15. If you've installed security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.....You might live in Montana.

16. If the largest traffic jam in your town centers around a high school basketball game..........You might live in Montana.

17. If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them........You might live in Montana.

18. If there are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Wal-Mart at any given time.......You might live in Montana.

19. If there are more people at work on Christmas Eve Day than on opening day of hunting season............You might live in Montana.

20. If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit..........You might live in Montana.

21. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.........You might live in Montana.

22. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.........You might live in Montana.

23. If you consider Red Lodge exotic...........You might live in Montana.

24. If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your cottonwood.........You might live in Montana.

25. If finding your misplaced car keys involves looking in the ignition...........You might live in Montana.

26. If you find 0 degrees a "little chilly".....................You might live in Montana.

27. If you actually understand these observations, and you forward them to all your Montana friends.............................You must live in Montana.

The sad thing is how true these all are. I can relate to almost every one of them.

I am not normally one for peace protests but this one piqued my interest and I might join in, not thinking it will help any, but just for the fun.

Calif. couple calls for orgasm for peace

Two peace activists have planned a massive anti-war demonstration for the first day of winter.

But they don't want you marching in the streets. They'd much rather you just stay home.

The Global Orgasm for Peace was conceived by Donna Sheehan, 76, and Paul Reffell, 55, whose immodest goal is for everyone in the world to have an orgasm Dec. 22 while focusing on world peace.

"The orgasm gives out an incredible feeling of peace during it and after it," Reffell said Sunday. "Your mind is like a blank. It's like a meditative state. And mass meditations have been shown to make a change."

Now I might not think the idea is going to do any good as a peace protest, but what the hell, I don't need an excuse to have fun but I might join in. It certainly won't hurt. The final sentence is a killer though.

"The dream is to have everyone in the world (take part)," Reffell said. "And if that means laying down your gun for a few minutes, then hey, all the better."

Lay down your gun? I won't touch that with a ten foot pole.

Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding. Albert Einstein

I've always wondered how Daylight Savings Time saved energy. It never made sense to me. Know I see the answer.

Daylight Saving Time Yields Massive Daylight Surplus

Energy Secretary Samuel W. Bodman announced Monday that the country's seven-month-long effort to conserve sunshine has resulted in the largest national daylight surplus since October 2005.

"We have built up over 200 hours of this precious, life-giving resource," said Bodman, noting that "the sun's rays are not going to last forever." "We have decided it would be most prudent not to squander this valuable daylight by distributing it to Americans, instead suggesting that they all just wake up a little earlier."

Bodman said the surplus will be stored in the Strategic Daylight Reserve—a system of opaque, sealed-off underground tanks located in Arizona—and only tapped in the case of the sun burning out or a particularly rainy afternoon.

It all goes in the Strategic Daylight Reserve. Makes as much sense as Daylight Savings Time.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity,

"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

I've always jokingly told My Darling Wife the only way she is going to git rid of me is to shoot me. HA, ha, ha, that is until I saw this today.

Woman admits to killing husband

A woman who said her husband told her during a drunken argument that "the only way I'm going to leave you alone is for you to shoot me" did just that.

My only saving grace might be that neither one of us drink, but i had better watch my choice of words. They might get me shot.

I’m not afraid of death but I am afraid of dying. Derek Jarman

A man owned a small ranch in Idaho. The Idaho Wage & Hour Dept claimed he
was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview
him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the
agent.

"Well" replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been
here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, and I buy him
a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

1. I'm the head of the family, so call me President.

2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so call her the
Government.

3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

5. Your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad said. Later that
night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He
finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to
his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake
her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the
keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back
to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to this father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell
me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The litte boy
replies:

"The President is screwing the Working Class,

While the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored

And the Future is in deep shit!"

Shamelessly stolen from Randy.

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the exhibits was breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, “This bull mated 50 times last year.”

The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, “He mated 50 times last year.”

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, “This bull mated 120 times last year.”

The wife hit her husband again and said, “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn from him.”

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, “This bull mated 365 times last year.”

The wife got really excited and said, “That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this big fella.”

The husband looked at her and said, “Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow.”

The husband’s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable.

Actual excepts from Church Newsletters...

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

Scouts are saving Aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say hell to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. Mark Twain

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
The lady replied "Yes".
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm just westing".

Bonita says this is an old joke. I've never heard it before and got a really good belly laugh out of it. It somehow really struck me as extremely funny. Thanks Bonita, I needed that.

A laugh is a mighty good thing, and rather too scarce a good thing. Herman Melville